27 Sep 2007, 21:46
‘Back to the Future’ Guy Dies
Delorean’s brief stint in the Army allowed him the honor of a military funeral, as well as the ability to kill a man using only an AK-47. Tom Worger
Distribution Editor
On Thursday March 24 John DeLorean was buried in Royal Oak, Michigan after dying from complications following a stroke he had suffered a week earlier. The renowned automobile designer died in the Overlook Hospital in Summit, New Jersey surrounded by family, friends and a wealth of Back to the Future memorabilia.
Medical staff at the hospital released information concerning Mr. DeLorean’s death after obtaining the consent of the family. Resident physician, Dr. Emmett Brown explained, “At eighty years old, Mr. DeLorean was just not strong enough to handle the stress on his body resulting from the stroke.”
“There were,” he continued, “some peculiarities upon post-mortem examination.” The doctors discovered large amounts of cocaine had been stored in DeLorean’s blood, although the puncture mark discovered for its injection was made after he died, according to autopsy reports.
The FBI has denied any involvement. Along with the cocaine, tiny cameras were also discovered in the blood, believed to have been planted there by Larry Flynt.
Many mourners attended the ceremony in Michigan for the beloved car manufacturer. The eulogy was delivered by his son, Zachary Tavio DeLorean, who said, “My father was known for many things. He was famous as a failed car manufacturer, a failed drug dealer, and the survivor of three failed marriages.”
“But the one thing he always told me,” added his tearful son, “was, ‘never give up.’”
Numerous celebrities were also in attendance and offered words of comfort. Star Michael J. Fox called DeLorean a “man with a vision, and the ability to make that vision a reality.” He went on to describe their experiences working together on the Back to the Future films.
“I only wish,” added Fox, shaking violently, “that he hadn’t insisted on real plutonium.”
Queen Elizabeth II of England was also present at the funeral. At one point she surprised attendants by jumping on the casket and beginning to attempt to strangle the body of Mr. DeLorean while screaming for him to repay the “millions of pounds of which he defrauded the British government” when his Belfast, Northern Ireland manufacturing plant shut down. It was later ascertained that many of the mourners were in fact people who were involved in litigation against Mr. DeLorean until his death.
As the ceremonies drew to a close it came time to lay Mr. DeLorean to rest. Zachary Tavio DeLorean spoke again, saying, “Now we bury my father in the method of his choosing, in this custom-built coffin designed to his exact specifications.”
The coffin, constructed from stainless steel, was placed on a 50-foot length of track leading to the grave. Instead of standard pallbearers, two rockets were placed on either side to produce the needed acceleration to get the coffin to reach 88 miles per hour by the time it reached the end. With time circuits set, the rocket sled was sent down the track where it disappeared in a flash of light and two flaming tracks.
Despite the theatrics of the funeral, DeLorean’s body was soon recovered when two stoned teenagers emerging from a telephone booth asked if anyone “left a dead dude in 1634.”
Delorean’s brief stint in the Army allowed him the honor of a military funeral, as well as the ability to kill a man using only an AK-47. Tom Worger
Distribution Editor
On Thursday March 24 John DeLorean was buried in Royal Oak, Michigan after dying from complications following a stroke he had suffered a week earlier. The renowned automobile designer died in the Overlook Hospital in Summit, New Jersey surrounded by family, friends and a wealth of Back to the Future memorabilia.
Medical staff at the hospital released information concerning Mr. DeLorean’s death after obtaining the consent of the family. Resident physician, Dr. Emmett Brown explained, “At eighty years old, Mr. DeLorean was just not strong enough to handle the stress on his body resulting from the stroke.”
“There were,” he continued, “some peculiarities upon post-mortem examination.” The doctors discovered large amounts of cocaine had been stored in DeLorean’s blood, although the puncture mark discovered for its injection was made after he died, according to autopsy reports.
The FBI has denied any involvement. Along with the cocaine, tiny cameras were also discovered in the blood, believed to have been planted there by Larry Flynt.
Many mourners attended the ceremony in Michigan for the beloved car manufacturer. The eulogy was delivered by his son, Zachary Tavio DeLorean, who said, “My father was known for many things. He was famous as a failed car manufacturer, a failed drug dealer, and the survivor of three failed marriages.”
“But the one thing he always told me,” added his tearful son, “was, ‘never give up.’”
Numerous celebrities were also in attendance and offered words of comfort. Star Michael J. Fox called DeLorean a “man with a vision, and the ability to make that vision a reality.” He went on to describe their experiences working together on the Back to the Future films.
“I only wish,” added Fox, shaking violently, “that he hadn’t insisted on real plutonium.”
Queen Elizabeth II of England was also present at the funeral. At one point she surprised attendants by jumping on the casket and beginning to attempt to strangle the body of Mr. DeLorean while screaming for him to repay the “millions of pounds of which he defrauded the British government” when his Belfast, Northern Ireland manufacturing plant shut down. It was later ascertained that many of the mourners were in fact people who were involved in litigation against Mr. DeLorean until his death.
As the ceremonies drew to a close it came time to lay Mr. DeLorean to rest. Zachary Tavio DeLorean spoke again, saying, “Now we bury my father in the method of his choosing, in this custom-built coffin designed to his exact specifications.”
The coffin, constructed from stainless steel, was placed on a 50-foot length of track leading to the grave. Instead of standard pallbearers, two rockets were placed on either side to produce the needed acceleration to get the coffin to reach 88 miles per hour by the time it reached the end. With time circuits set, the rocket sled was sent down the track where it disappeared in a flash of light and two flaming tracks.
Despite the theatrics of the funeral, DeLorean’s body was soon recovered when two stoned teenagers emerging from a telephone booth asked if anyone “left a dead dude in 1634.”